Jealousy, suspicion and possessiveness of a partner without basis is a painful and tormenting process that will derail the development of intimacy and destroy an otherwise healthy and gratifying love relationship. Trust and intimacy are replaced by worry and rumination, relentless interrogation, accusations, monitoring (emails, cell phone activity) and sometimes to the point of following one's partner.
Jealousy stems from three sources: impaired self esteem, prior betrayal, and disowning and projection.
Impaired self-esteem - If our core belief and experience of ourselves is that we are not lovable, worthy or sufficient as individuals, then we feel as though we are more dispensable in our love relationships. Our thinking proceeds; “if I am dispensable, then I must do something to hold my partner's interest and desire to be with me”. This extra effort can take many forms of accommodating our partner's needs or wishes or what we believe to be their needs and wishes, even at the expense of compromising or hurting ourselves. Examples might include not challenging our partners alcoholism, abusive treatment of children, or constant efforts to be more monetarily successful or physically attractive to our partner. In the case of jealousy, “because I believe the bond between my partner and I is weak or tenuous then I must control my partner, be watchful of those around him or her, and be vigilant of any threats to this bond”. At the same time that we believe we are deficient or have very little to offer, people outside the relationship will be perceived and envied has having the qualities we believe we lack in ourselves and in our partner's eyes. These qualities might include physical attractiveness, humor, intelligence, charm, athleticism or wealth. This comparison and the resulting hostile envy further consolidates our sense of ourselves as being deficient and heightens the worry, suspicion and possessive behavior.
Previous betrayal - This is the most obvious source of jealousy and suspicion. If we have been deceived and betrayed in a previous relationship this results in an emotional injury that is deep and far reaching. For those that have suffered through the experience of a partner falling in love with or sleeping with someone else, one knows how deeply our trust in that other person can be shattered. Additionally, our trust in our own sensibilities and judgment regarding others can be undermined. This damaged trust can extend to new partners and our capacity for intimacy will be limited.
Disavowal and Projection - Disowning or disavowal means to dismiss unacceptable parts of ourselves, whether it is a thought, feeling, characteristic, or behavior as not being ours. When we are not taking responsibility for what is ours then we are at risk for attributing or projecting what is unacceptable about ourselves onto others. Disowning and projection are not conscious processes or actions. In regard to jealousy and suspicion, if our discontent or unhappiness with our partner is an unacceptable feeling (I would experience intense guilt or be judged and criticized by family and friends if I ended the relationship or marriage), one way to deal with these unacceptable feelings is to disavow them and assign or project them onto to one's partner. The partner is then perceived to be the disinterested and straying partner.
Copyright © 2007 Bruce A. Howard, Ph.D. All rights reserved.