Understanding Jealousy
Jealousy, suspicion and possessiveness of a partner without basis is a painful and tormenting process that will derail intimacy and destroy an otherwise healthy and gratifying love relationship. Trust and intimacy are replaced by worry and rumination, relentless interrogation, accusations, monitoring (emails, cell phone activity) and sometimes to the point of following one’s partner.
Jealousy stems from three sources: impaired self esteem, prior betrayal, and disavowal and projection.
Impaired self-esteem – If our core belief and experience of ourselves is that we are not lovable, worthy or sufficient as individuals, this can translate into feeling more dispensable in our partner’s eyes. Impaired self-esteem also leads to unhealthy accommodation in which subjugate our own primary needs and feelings in favor of our partner’s. This will also lower our value in the relationship. We can engage in other efforts to increase our value to our partner; becoming more financially successful or physically attractive. In the case of jealousy, “Because I believe the bond between my partner and I is weak or tenuous then I must try to control my partner and be watchful and vigilant of those around him or her as continual threats to this bond”. At the same time that we believe we are deficient or have very little to offer, people outside the relationship will be perceived and envied as having the qualities we believe we lack in ourselves and in our partner’s eyes. These qualities might include physical attractiveness, humor, intelligence, charm, athleticism or wealth. This comparison and the resulting hostile envy further consolidates our sense of ourselves as being deficient and heightens the worry, suspicion and possessive behavior.
Previous betrayal – This is the most obvious source of jealousy and suspicion. If we have been deceived and betrayed in a previous relationship, this results in an emotional injury that is deep and far reaching. For those that have suffered through the experience of a partner falling in love with or having sex with someone else, one knows how deeply our trust in that other person can be shattered. Additionally, our trust in our own sensibilities and judgment regarding others can be undermined. This damaged trust can extend to new partners and our capacity for intimacy can be impaired.
Disavowal and Projection – Disowning or disavowal means to dismiss unacceptable parts of ourselves, whether it is a thought, feeling, characteristic, or behavior as not being ours. When we do not recognize and take responsibility for what is ours then we are at risk for attributing or projecting what is unacceptable to ourselves onto others. Disowning and projection are not conscious processes or actions. In regard to jealousy and suspicion, if our discontent or unhappiness with our partner is an unacceptable feeling (I would experience intense guilt or be judged and criticized by family and friends if I ended the relationship or marriage), one way to deal with these unacceptable feelings is to disavow them and assign or project them onto to one’s partner. The partner is then perceived to be the disinterested and straying partner.
Copyright © 2014 Bruce A. Howard, Ph.D. All rights reserved.